Whoever we are, whatever age or gender, we can sometimes feel “I just want my mum”. For many, the yearning is not for our actual mum, or it’s part of grief for a mother who has passed and can no longer open her arms to us. It made me think… What if we shift focus to embrace ‘mother’ as a verb? Can we mother ourselves?
How to mother yourself: ten easy steps. I’m kidding – it won’t be easy but it’s probably worth it. And we live in the best place to start the journey: a valley. Traditionally, throughout storytelling, valleys have big mother energy as strong symbols of life and fertility, growth and community, and often act as points for a person to begin their quest or rest from travels before continuing. They are places of nurturing, of abundance and protection, of restoration. (Think of Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings.) You may have heard it said that people move to the Valley for healing – whether they come looking or it arrives upon them. Well, here we are.
We know from extensive research on mothering and the plasticity of the brain at birth that “[m]othering, characterised by sensitive caregiving, is essential for endocrine systems, neurotransmitters, stress response, self-regulatory systems and so much more”, meaning that “children’s capacities for social well-being are shaped by the particular nest of mothering (mothers and others) they receive,” writes Dr Navaez in her paper ‘The Science and Art of Mothering’. It’s this ‘sensitive caregiving’ that we are due to give ourselves. So, how?
Step One is information gathering. Self-parenting is having a moment – social media reels abound: recognising triggers; self-regulation practices; nervous-system calming; life tips for the neurodivergent; somatic healing; and many more topics. (Favour information from qualified, reputable professionals.) Books and podcasts can give us better tools for life too, including parenting books and programs, even if you don’t have kids (we are our own parents).
Step Two is listening. No half-listening on the run. That’s the kind of listening most of us do in the space of painful cognitive dissonance that sees us frantically running on life’s treadmill, kind of hoping we’ll break our leg so we can just have a rest, but scared we’ll break our leg and have to stop, and have it all fall in. (The kind of cognitive dissonance author and commentator Brené Brown addresses in her 2018 blog post ‘The Midlife Unraveling’.) What’s recommended is that we pause long enough – as short as 30 seconds or a minute, a few times a day – to breathe and hear our own inner voice under the noise, and then regularly spend a little longer to record our feelings, thoughts, goals, desires, regrets. Psychologists and mindfulness practitioners advise listening with the whole being, and with curiosity. When we listen like this, it will help us build the path away from the treadmill of cognitive dissonance because we will know ourselves better and know what we need.
Step Three is nurturing. Once we hear what we need, we can bring it to ourselves. We might allow ourselves to daydream a little, or watch the clouds or our pets, to be idle. Also, no one wants to open up to a person who’s shouting at them so nurturing includes dismantling bullying self-talk. We can nurture our senses by going outside in the morning, to get sunlight on our closed eyelids and take in the energy of the waking day, or walking barefoot for five to ten minutes on different textured surfaces each day, noticing the change in sensation – floorboards, a soft rug, gravel, grass. Go to nature for nurturing: we can take a dip or kayak in the river, go for a bushwalk, or take a pleasant drive for a surf. Friendships deepen and our own mood and coping tools improve when we ask for, and accept, nurturing from friends. If we live with no other adults, we might consider sharing a meal with friends or neighbours once or twice a week.
Step Four is touch. Touch is one of the first mother acts of nurturing but we easily forget about this sense. Caring, tender touch is known to be crucial for babies’ physical and emotional development – and guess what? Ours too. With so many skilled and attuned bodyworkers in the Valley, from massage, to osteopathy, to acupuncture, we are able to book in for help and treatment – right here! – but simple things we do ourselves also make a difference. Every time we wash our body, or our hands, we can do it with gentle loving care. It’s proven that tender touch and caring words, such as simply thanking our body for its work that day, are powerfully restorative even for areas of chronic pain. We can hug ourselves.
Step Five is nourishment. Nourish the body with good, fresh food (mostly plants) and gentle movement – wonderful yoga and Tai Chi teachers are right here in the Valley. Good rest and sleep restores the body and mind with energy to self-repair. Those of us who struggle with lack of sleep gain a lot from researching the cause: insomnia, sleep procrastination, anxiety – each requires a different approach. Even 10 minutes of meditation or Yoga Nidra can go a long way to deeply resting the body and mind when we’ve lost sleep. Our souls are nourished with courses or podcasts relating to our passion, and looking out on green views everyday. The Artist’s Way creator Julia Cameron famously recommends a weekly artist date to nourish our creative spirit, and life-giving acts such as repotting a plant or baking bread if feeling creatively stuck. We might learn a creative skill: our own Valley offers art classes, leadlight workshops, and a weekly writing group at the pub.
Step Six is protection. Life improves significantly when we learn about, and look after our boundaries. There’s plenty of information online from qualified sources, and it’s worth remembering a boundary is about communicating and committing to what we will do when X happens: we can waste a lot of time trying to manage other people’s bad behaviour. We can gain a lot of comfort from womb-like and protective spaces in nature: sitting in caves, or under closely planted or overhanging trees, or in the lee of a garden wall or hedge. Two types of cocoon we can use in overwhelming moments: 1. cancelling the day’s plans and literally cocooning at home (aka a doona day); 2. rubbing our palms together until they’re hot and then placing them over our closed eyes. We can learn about what triggers us and notice what we do in response (numbing? Aggression?) so that we can get some help. We can have peace in mind when we deal with conflict. Marriage therapists and workplace conflict consultants alike suggest that placing the focus on what’s best for the relationship or organisation, rather than “your way, my way, compromise”, yields greater harmony and more innovative problem-solving.
Step Seven is Growth. We can support growth with proper nourishment of mind and body. We can also offer ourselves opportunities to take on challenges in a supported way, whether to extend physical capacity or learn a new skill. We gain double benefit from doing activities that extend us when we do them with others – could we paddle further, or climb higher? Deepening our understanding of ourselves and of the world around us, through counselling therapy, non-fiction reading, and adult education can help us flourish.
Step Eight is Intuition. It’s not magic when mothers know just what their child needs but actually a practice of listening in a whole-body-and-mind way: attunement to the holistic picture communicated by body and behaviour. We can turn this listening and observing toward our own bodies and behaviours. If we open our eyes, ears and heart we can observe what is actually happening, not what we imagine or expect to be happening. We can strengthen intuition with meditation and by trusting what our intuition tells us.
Step Nine is gift-giving. Mothering is understood to be the driver of the gift-giving that flows in a well-functioning community. Traditional tales from around the world are rich with lessons on what happens if gifts are hoarded rather than shared: when we keep gifts circulating, and put our personal gifts to use, we feel happier and more connected. This is especially true when we gather with others to give our time for community benefit. We don’t all have to be Erin Brockovich but considering the Buddhist concept of ‘interbeing’ in making choices about how we live and what we stand for or against can be very healing, for each one and us all.
Step Ten is worship. Whether religious or secular, worship can be a beautiful way to mother ourselves. When we gather with others of like mind and purpose to give thanks and celebrate the gift of life, we satisfy one of the deepest human yearnings: belonging. Perhaps this is why sociologists are noting the rise of secular churches, their congregations often participating in church-like services of led-worship, singing, and contemplation. (The Conversation, 2024) We can worship in nature, too, taking in the wonder of creation. Using our hands to build new shapes from nature – weaving willow, stacking rocks, arranging leaves or shells – can encourage our connection with, and appreciation for, a life force bigger than us all and meanwhile kindle that precious flame within ourselves.
In a great tradition of travellers, we find ourselves in a valley that offers abundant gifts with which we can mother ourselves to growth and healing for the onward journey. Anyone of any gender can do this mothering, and we can do it right here.
